I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
