how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
