that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
