Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
