I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
