mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
