He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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