and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
