I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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