his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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