The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
