I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
