Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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