if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
