Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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