Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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