worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
