I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
