how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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