You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
