i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
