somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
