Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
