This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
