I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
