Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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