we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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