my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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