if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
