And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
