Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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