8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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