i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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