She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
