The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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