i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You need Xanax blowdarts
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
