Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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