i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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