I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Is it because I queefed?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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