Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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