I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
