You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
