i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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