i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
