i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
