are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
