I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
one two three fourrrrnication!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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