So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
