and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
