Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
