why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
