they need to just BURY HIM!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
