What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
