So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize