plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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