Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
