True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
