life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
