I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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