What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize