would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
